An Epiphany....

I have now been off work for 3.5 years. A really long time. Since then I have spent my days playing at parks, reading stories, baking cupcakes, playing with toys, watching the kids play while having coffee with friends, and more. I also can't forget those days spent wiping runny noses, spending entire nights awake with a sick child, cleaning up pee and poop from various surfaces, changing diaper blowouts, sweeping the floor 7 days a week, and never getting caught up on organizing the house. But for the most part, life is pretty sweet. I was wondering then, why I always have this feeling like I am just counting down the hours. Don't get me wrong, playing all day is fun, but it can get a bit boring sometimes and repetitive. And 3 year olds don't always listen or do the things that you want to do. And it is really hard to manage the time with 2 kids and all of the things that need to be done with a house and the things that go along with it. But all that aside, I wondered why I was wishing away this precious time of toddler and babyhood and just wanting the evening to come, to have a rest, for Mike to come home, to go to sleep, etc. I mean, of course it's a no brainer that I should want a break, but really what was the underlying issue. And then it hit me. My life up until the point that I stopped working was all about getting to the next step. Waiting for the bell to ring at 3:00. Waiting for that summer vacation. Waiting to move up to the next grade. Waiting to finish University so I could just start working. Then, when I hit the working world full time, let me tell you I was waiting for that small hand to hit the 5 every day (well...usually the 11, or 8 or some other odd hours in the jobs I worked, but you get the point). It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book "Oh the Places You'll Go" where it says that you'll reach "The Waiting Place" where "everyone is just waiting". So here I am today, doing just that.

After this epiphany, I realized that I can still be eagerly anticipating when Mike walks in the door at 6:00, or when I can rest on the couch at 8:30 when the girls are asleep, or waiting for the weekend to come, but these moments don't need to be the focus of my day. When it's 7:30am and we have no plans, it's OK. All we have to do is try to make the most of the day ahead of us, rather than focusing on the end part when everything is easier. It makes more sense to focus on the little things all day long...a yummy lunch, a nice warm mug of tea, feeding Rose some new food, baking some muffins with Paige, and a million other possibilities. I decided I have to stop that nagging feeling of needing to wait for something, and just learn to go with the flow.

Does anyone else feel like this?